Coffee Talk ~ Motherhood, part one

Sharing my personal thoughts on motherhood; the challenges of getting pregnant, not having the delivery I wanted and trying to conceive a second time.

I fully intended to publish this coffee talk in April. Then, in March, our world turned upside down.  The kids came home from school, I was furloughed and our state initiated a “stay home, stay healthy” order to try and slow the spread of the novel coronavirus.  Needless to say, I did not get nearly the amount of things accomplished as I would have hoped!  Please forgive me as I get this written in late June (to finally get published in late July).🙄

April is c-section awareness month and I thought it marked a good time to share some of my thoughts on motherhood.  News flash ~ I had two c-sections and it took me a really (REALLY) long time to be okay with that.

Do you know someone who was just born to be a mom?  Someone who is beyond patient?  A friend who decides to start trying for a family and is pregnant the next month?  I’m going to tell you ~ I am NOT that girl!!

Mr. two sugar bugs and I started dating when I was in my mid 20’s.  We both knew that we wanted a family one day.  We definitely talked about it in the months that we were dating.  Both of us also had dreams of returning to school and changing careers.  Having children and going back to school seemed like a daunting task so we put having children on the back burner.

Three years into our marriage, I started dental hygiene school.  Several of my classmates balanced motherhood and school and I honestly don’t know how they did it.  Mr. two sugar bugs started nursing school as I finished hygiene school. 

The early part of my motherhood journey

In the beginning, we did not share that we were trying to start a family.  I had a little voice in the back of my head that told me it was better that way.  As the months turned into a year, our friends were all announcing pregnancies.  To say that I was frustrated would be an understatement.  

I started some fertility treatments and another year passed by.  At this point family and a few close friends knew what we were experiencing, but we still did not share much with others about our journey.  See, I felt like a failure.  I couldn’t do a seemingly simple thing and get pregnant.

I have a pretty high expectations for myself and those around me.  I’m stubborn.  Driven.  Not warm and fuzzy.  Maybe this was God’s way of telling me that I am not cut out to be a mom.  Those thoughts were painful, but they permeated my life for a while.  

Mr. two sugar bugs and I knew that we could have challenges having children.  We both were on the older side for starting this journey and we were fully okay will adopting, if that became our only option. But man, as the months moved on, all I wanted was a child of our own.

In the days leading up to Christmas 2010, I started to wonder if I was pregnant.  A pregnancy test on December 27 gave us the results we had been waiting for: pregnant!

I had an easy and completely uneventful pregnancy.  As my due date approached, we were super excited to welcome our new little one to the world (we did not know what sex little bambino was)!  My due date came and went and my doctor said we’d give it a week and then she wanted to induce me.

While I wasn’t crazy about being induced, I was very anxious to meet the little life that my body had been growing.  My only birth plan was that I wanted to have a safe delivery for both bambino and me.  I wanted to see if I could have a natural delivery, but was also flexible as I didn’t know what to expect. I couldn’t help feeling a bit like a failure again, motherhood wasn’t coming the way I expected.

At 41 weeks, we had a very early hospital check in.  My brain has blocked it out, but I think it was a 4 a.m. check in time.  Long story short, as my labor progressed, Big E was not tolerating it well.  About 10 hours into labor, my doctor determined a c-section would be the best option.  Early that evening we welcomed our Big E and both Mr. two sugar bugs and I were instantly in love.💗. A perfect, healthy baby girl had joined our family.

I will admit, as we left the hospital, my pregnancy brain couldn’t believe they were just letting us leave; expecting we knew what to do with a newborn!  We settled in to a new and ever changing routine, surprisingly figuring it out as we went along.  I was a bit of a nervous first mom and it took me several months to find my groove in motherhood.  Oh, who am I kidding, it took me WAY longer than that!

When Big E was six months old, we decided to see if we could get pregnant again.  I was still nursing, so we knew it might not happen immediately.  When Big E turned a year old, our pediatrician said I had given her a wonderful gift of a year of breast feeding and that I shouldn’t feel guilty about weaning her.  But let me tell ya, the guilt was there of weaning her on my terms and not hers!

About three months later I went back on fertility treatments. I don’t know why, but my body had a much harder time handling it the second time around.  I felt terrible.  My skin was breaking out, I felt bloated all the time and the emotional exhaustion of it all was a LOT.  Had I felt this bad the first time around and I just didn’t realize it because I wanted a child so badly?  Or was I just reacting differently?  I didn’t know the why, but after nine more months of treatments, I couldn’t take it anymore.

I had come to terms with the fact that we would be a family of three.  We had a thriving, sweet, smart and wonderful little girl and I was okay.

Going from party of three to party of four

We started getting rid of all the infant stuff and joked about if that was a silly thing to do.  

Low and behold, about two months later, I found out I was pregnant.  We were shocked and excited.  I was also terrified!!  Now I was going to have to figure out how to take care of two children.  I’m thinking it was just pregnancy brain.  I would tell myself that millions of women have more than one baby and do just fine, but I went through the first several months feeling freaked out! Was I cut out for this motherhood thing with two children??

One of the first questions I asked my doctor was if I could attempt a VBAC.  She flat out told me no and I really struggled with that.  I think it was my 20 week appointment when she told me she had my c-section scheduled for 38 weeks.  Every bell and whistle in my body went off like a five alarm fire. I was NOT okay with that option and immediately consulted with another doctor, who agreed to let me attempt a VBAC.

I had another easy and uneventful pregnancy until 37 weeks.  That’s when little e decided to flip breach.  

My new doctor encouraged me to try and see if I could get her to flip back.  My amniotic fluid was on the lower side at this point and while it was still a safe level for her, he didn’t feel like it was safe to have him try and flip her for me.  Let me tell you, I tried every crazy thing I could to try and get her to move!  And there were days that she would move to transverse, only to flip back.  I remember saying to Mr. two sugar bugs that I hoped this wasn’t a foreshadowing of her stubborn personality! (which it absolutely was!!)

My doctor allowed me to go to 40 weeks and 3 days before my second c-section. As hard as I tried, I could not get little e to move back to the correct position. I remember being in the laundry room the night before I delivered her and breaking down into tears. Our family of three would be different the next day. I didn’t know what to expect and my heart broke just a little for Big E, who truly had no idea how her life was about to change. I grieved the fact that I was now going to have to share my love for her with another baby girl.💕. There are so many things no one really prepares you for in the motherhood journey!

Another early morning hospital check in. This one was even more nerve wracking because I knew I was heading in for surgery. See, when you have an emergency c-section, you don’t have time to process what is going to happen. When you go for a scheduled one, your mind has a lot more time to worry.

We were blessed with an uneventful c-section and another healthy baby girl! Big E was ecstatic to meet her little sister and loved her from the moment she laid eyes on her!!

I was much calmer going home from the hospital the second time. We again fell into a new and ever changing routine and figured things out as they came along. It all went so much smoother than my mind had imagined it.

Now my sugar bugs are almost nine and five and a half. It’s crazy how quickly the time is passing.

This post ended up much longer than I intended! If you made it to the end, thank you for reading. Motherhood is ever changing and I have so many more things I want to share, but there will have to be a part two!

more coffee talk posts

• An Introduction
• The Beginning
• Happy New Year
• Saying Goodbye
• Catching Up!